Quote:
Originally Posted by Flinger2
Anyway, I realized after eight years that me and my partner are two completely different people.
Actually, I realized it long ago, but I had this positive view that she will change over time, She has changed somewhat but the core habits and behaviors are the same and don't think she will ever change.
After the realization and all, I live a more peaceful life and a more fruitful live. The only thing is I don't have someone to call as my soulmate that I can share my love and somene to get initimate with.
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If one has lived life a bit, one will realize there are 2 things a man will never do. One, he will never stop to ask for directions. Two, he will never admit he is wrong. He will rather NOT have
"a soulmate" for the rest of his life than admit the wrong is on his part.
I will do this thread no favours by moping around like every contributor. Allow me to present a different perspective.
Why does one think that marriage gives him the right to be his wife's father or priest? Why is one so quick to judge his wife's character - Oh, she has
changed. Not me. She. Her fault. She has to do the
"changing". Not me. I am never at fault.
Don't we all
change as we grow older? We see things differently. We face new challenges. But No, it is the wife's fault for
changing. Or not being able to
"change".
I had my first love when I was a teenager. When we broke up 7 years, we were both accusing each other of
"changing". I found such a relationship suffocating. It felt like a priest breathing down my neck. What she did wrong. What I did wrong. How she
"changed". How I
"changed". How we both should
"change". We were both blaming each other every time we quarrelled. It felt miserable. Such a relationship was doomed to fail. And it did.
But I learned. Enter my wife. We never talked about how each should behave. We never talked about our future. We never talked about the 3 ways to get rich, the 5 ways to invest in a hdb, the 7 things to do to build a family, etc. Heck, I never even told her I loved her or gave her a rose till
AFTER we were married. We just enjoyed each other for what we were. When we were happy, we went out. When we were not happy, we went out with other friends separately. More often than not, we were happy being together. There were no promises to each other, no pressure, no nothing. We talked only about happy things when we were together. Jokes, giggles and laughter. I respected her as a person and as an individual, and vice versa. This continues up till today.
Aren't you tired after a day's work? You only have that few hours left for the day. Why do you want to trap yourself by going into a topic that will lead to a quarrel i.e you wrong, I right, you
changed, I didnt, can you
change?
Nobody will bat an eyelid when you say you and wife are
"completely different" people. On the contrary, what I will find astonishing is when you say you and your wife are the same people! Because the truth is No two humans are alike. Not even identical twins.
Every person reacts differently in different situations. If you haven't found that out, you have lived your life in vain. I can understand it if you are a construction worker and the way you resolve conflicts is to get personal. Oh...she....her fault....she changed...I didn't ....I holy....I angry her now.
When you are capable of typing English in a forum, shouldn't you operate at a higher level than that construction worker? Isn't resolving conflict at work is a common thing? Haven't you been in the boardroom where colleagues disagree? Did you get personal with that colleague when you didn't get things your way? Or did you just agree to disagree, move on and do your work nonchalantly? Why then are you not applying these skills to your marriage?
I submit to you, you have built too much expectations on your wife. You are choking the relationship. Keyword
YOU.
Learn to take things easy. Chill. Ditch the
I TOLD YOU SO. If your wife insists on doing things her way, let her do what she wants. She is an adult after all. When she messes up, learn to laugh over it. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't so important was it? You just wanted to WIN.
Yes, there will be quarrels and disagreements. Like I said, no 2 minds think alike. Keep the quarrels infrequent. Resolve the matter quickly. Don't bear grudges. And stop bringing it up again! No one wants to be married to a historian, an accountant or a lawyer. Why are you so quick to bring up the past? So quick to calculate who is right? So quick to argue?
Nobody said Marriage is easy. It is always a Work in Progress. It needs work. As you age, the anger quells. The need to be RIGHT all the time lessens. You hit your 50s, you find yourself a soulmate.