Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really about. As we've gotten older, it has become more clear what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.

WHAT WE REMEMBER: Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sorts -- and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.

THE TRUTH: Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery.

It may be hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence...

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world -- they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however...

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing -- they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne, with her pretty pink legs, and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into bestiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect English, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and screwing their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'. Oh if we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as children...

[bigbirdbird]

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[bigbirdbird]

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.

"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

He decided to have his way with her, he finished and rolled over and went to sleep.

The next morning he asked for his bill.

"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.

"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today.

[bigbirdbird]

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why."

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's white and elegant"

"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with "A thrush!"

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating bitch!"

[Fogger10]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.

"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

He decided to have his way with her, he finished and rolled over and went to sleep.

The next morning he asked for his bill.

"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.

"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today.

Wahahahaha WTF

[MeLuvBoobies]

Wahahahaha

[SioKanMai]

Hahahaha good one tks bro

[lipe]

.


A young woman was sitting on the bus, cooing to her baby, when a drunk staggered aboard and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he looked down and pronounced, “Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen.”


The woman burst into tears and there was such an outcry of sympathy among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the woman kept on sobbing and wailing, so loudly that finally the driver pulled the bus over to the side of the road.


“Look, I don’t know what that bum said to you,” the driver told his inconsolable
passenger, “but to help calm you down I’m going to get you a cup of tea.”


And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of tea from the corner deli.


“Now, calm down, lady,” soothed the driver, “everything’s going to be okay. See, I brought you a cup of nice hot tea, and I even got a banana for your pet monkey.”




.

[lipe]

.


Being a bachelor is great. You get home-cooked meals, along with a variety of cooks.


“Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?


Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.


Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.



.

[lipe]

.


The newlyweds stopped at a farmhouse and asked if they could rent a room for the night.


By noon the next day they were still not up and about, so the farmer yelled up that it was last call for breakfast.


“Don’t worry about us,” called the groom, “we’re living on the fruits of love.”


“Okay,” screamed the farmer, “but quit throwing the damned skins out the window— they’re choking the ducks.”

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[rawboy83]

Thanks for all the nice jokes.

[lipe]

.


One morning, Ah Lian announced “Mom, I’m pregnant,” in a belligerent tone of voice.


Her mother paled.


“And it’s all your fault,” continued Ah Lian.


“My fault?” gasped her mother, startled.


“I bought you books, showed you pictures. I told you all about the facts of life.”


Ah Lian: “Yeah, yeah—but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job, did you?”



.

[lipe]

.


During NS, Ah Beng’s duties included bringing his NCOncvorgent a cup of coffee at seven o’clock every morning.


However, every morning the Sargent was enraged because the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. None of his insults and fits of rage produced a full cup of coffee, until he threatened the fellow with a one-third cut in pay.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee full to the brim, and the morning after that, and the morning after that. Finally, the boss couldn’t resist smugly complimenting the orderly on his mastery of the new technique.
“Oh, there’s nothing much to it, sir,” admitted the fellow cheerfully. “I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the mess hall, and spit it back in outside your door.”



.

[Comu49]

Very nice jokes, thanks!!

[VenusKraft]

Wahahahahahahahaha very good jokes!