can abusive person change?

[pumpkin]

I just broke up with my bf. He is 27 and I'm 21. We've been together for more than four years. But he seems to not be able to let me go. Until now, he still flood my inbox with smses and keep calling my hp non-stop.

I decided to break up with him because he has been verbally and physically abusive through the years. He is very controlling towards me and when I cannot fulfill what he wants, he will make me feel so miserable and helpless, like taking my stuff (hp, wallet) away and etc to make me stay at his house and cannot leave when I'm really angry.

I've been hit on my hands, tight, head, lips and the last one is the worst as he punched me on my eye. This doesn't happen often but like once or twice a year when we quarreled.

I decided to give up after he shouted at me repeatedly for no reason in front of his family which make me feel so embarrassed. I said that's it. It has to end.

Everytime after he did something wrong to me, he would beg for forgiveness, again and again, change to be a totally sweet boyfriend, but most of the time it never last long and he will go back to his own habit.

I think I suffer depression now, and due to lots of name calling - stupid, f*cking ugly, slut, I really feel not confident at all. And I really feel alone as I only have him and no friend at all. I lost my friend one by one cause I spent most of my time with him.

But other than that, we were happy couple. He did care for me. And I can feel he love me too. But I always ponder doesn't love really hurt and abuse?

I've decided to cut it off with him, but he hasn't been doing and sleeping well recently and really call me nonstop.I feel very mean of torturing both of us like this and I start to think that maybe there's hope that he will make me feel blissful and cherish me more now like what he promised. After all, he know he is wrong and willing to change. But I'm also just too scared that he's going to be violent again towards me.

He wants another chance from me.

Should I give him? Can he really change?

and for guys here, have you hit your partner before? Sometimes, he always blame me to justify his action, saying like if I don't provoke him, he won't hit me. I'm really speechless.

Chinese New Year is coming and his family invites me to have dinner on new year eve. I really don't know what to do now. He knows my house, my phone number, etc. How can I avoid him?

[Darkstorm]

For him to hit you, that is not normal. Your ex-boyfriend sounds like he needs serious help. That's my view anyway.

I have never hit my ex-girlfriends before.

[sammyboyfor]

Originally Posted by pumpkin

Should I give him? Can he really change?

Nope he won't change. His abuse is more than just physical. He's abusing you emotionally too and he's also trying to undermine your self confidence.

In other words, he's a scumbag. It's time for you to move on. If you don't do it now, you'll find it a lot harder when you're married to him and have kids to add to the equation. There's probably a good chance he'd be abusive towards the kids too.

The bottom line is he's not a good boyfriend now and he'll be an even worse father to your children later if you allow that to happen.

Make a clean break now. Be firm. Tell him it's over. There's no turning back. Once he realises there's no chance of reconciliation, he'll move on. If you give him an iota of hope, he'll keep hanging around and making your life difficult.

[DO_I_BJ]

like what uncle sammy says. he's trying to undermine ur confidence. When you don't have confidence. who you rely on? Him. Thats why so many girls always stays with their abusive bfs for so long. They feel cheap and useless and can only depend on that Man. Its also quit an emotional fuckup that makes you lose your reasoning. As hard as it can be. You have to leave him. Unless you want a future of more beatings , shoutings and insults

[Oralcraz]

Hi pumpkin,
I normally do not advise couple to divorce or breakup. Is yr call. If u can take it, then continue. If u cannot take it, then..... . Although quarrel exist btw couples (married or pak tor), getting physically and emotionally abuse is not part of courtship. With due respect, hv to understand his family background and his profile too. I know sometimes men get temperamental and abusive. But at this early stage and so often, not so healthy a relation. Take care!

[jinrenhe]

Originally Posted by sammyboyfor

Nope he won't change. His abuse is more than just physical. He's abusing you emotionally too and he's also trying to undermine your self confidence.

In other words, he's a scumbag. It's time for you to move on. If you don't do it now, you'll find it a lot harder when you're married to him and have kids to add to the equation. There's probably a good chance he'd be abusive towards the kids too.

My exact thoughts too.

He appears to be stereotypical, classical definition of "Scumbag" or "The boyfriend from hell"

Don't have the illusion that your love can change him. He is bad now, and will only get worse if you continue to condone his behaviour .
If he can get physical even when he is only your boyfriend, i can only forsee him getting worse and more intolerable after marriage (if u ever decide to settle down with him)...

My advice is ... this is like a sinking ship, jump off for your own survival.

T.S. , you are still young and have a beautiful future ahead... so why bind yourself to something you obviously know is bad for you.

My 2 cents worth of thoughts

[pewpew]

Originally Posted by pumpkin

I decided to break up with him because he has been verbally and physically abusive through the years. He is very controlling towards me and when I cannot fulfill what he wants, he will make me feel so miserable and helpless, like taking my stuff (hp, wallet) away and etc to make me stay at his house and cannot leave when I'm really angry.

I've been hit on my hands, tight, head, lips and the last one is the worst as he punched me on my eye. This doesn't happen often but like once or twice a year when we quarreled.

I think I suffer depression now, and due to lots of name calling - stupid, f*cking ugly, slut, I really feel not confident at all. And I really feel alone as I only have him and no friend at all. I lost my friend one by one cause I spent most of my time with him.

Just with these action, he can wash his butt and get ready to visit Changi Prison.

Seriously, for a guy to start laying a hand on girl (when he is angry?), there will be a 2nd time, 3rd time n forever and will never stop because YOU allowed him to continue beating on YOU (why u never leave him?).

Partially you said he really love u and cares for u?
Even for a hi-bye friend, i also cares for them does that mean i love them?

You are too carried away by the word LOVE, maybe you are too young to really understand what is really love? (10/10 guys i know who love their gf never beat him and never heard of getting beaten yet still love?)

If he really cherish the relationship, tell him to find consultant on anger management, anyway, leave him, unless you wanna continue being a vending machine (for his anger, desire)

Good luck sis, look around, there are many guys outside that doesn't beat their gf, u can try your luck, even if its 90%, you still have a chance of 10% of getting luck.

[colins]

Can, you can give him another chance. But who will give you the chance you need to live a better life? Answer is, you. If you have one chance in your hand, who will you give it to? You or him?

Supposedly you give him his chance, and the hostility and violence happens again (you know it will), he raises his fist above you in anger and it is about to strike down on your face, you suddenly think about this chance thingy and go on your knees to beg for ONE CHANCE. One chance not to abuse you physically again. Do you think he will care? Or do you think he will choose to satisfy his anger and let the blow come down on your eye?

By then, you cannot choose whether you wanna give him chance. You gave him his chance to abuse you. It is his turn to choose whether or not to give you your chance.

Go see a doctor, get your eye examined and file a police report. Use the report to file a Personal Protection Order against him. If he harasses you, either emotionally or physically, call the police and they will come take him away. At 27, he is a man, not the kid you always treat him as. Not the little poor boy who can't take care of himself. Not the baby who is like you, so lack of self confidence that he needs to use self abuse to release his emotions. See the truth surrounding him, and dun escape that judgement.

Whether he needs help or not, the person who can help him is not you. You are the victim, not the anger management expert. If you think you deserve better treatment from a person who loves you, you gotta love yourself first.

Take care

[HCKing]

can abusive person change?

' a leopard nvr change its spot ' ever heard of this b4?

time to dump the leopard and give other better guys a chance.

u r only 21. hw many years more u want to wait for him to change? youth is one of the most precious thing to girls right?

4 yr information, love = respect. so dont buy all his sweet nonsense abt loving u after hitting u as one will never lay a finger on someone he truly loves/respect. think abt it, would u say a guy loves or respect his mother if happens u see him beat up his mother? or would u rather believe in ：“打是疼骂是爱" ?

[HCKing]

Originally Posted by colins

By then, you cannot choose whether you wanna give him chance. You gave him his chance to abuse you. It is his turn to choose whether or not to give you your chance.

no matter wat type of relationship, be it abusive bf or tigress gf, KC with scheming PRC WL or kana cheated by playboys it always takes 2 hands to clap.

[BlurWolfe]

Hi Ms TS Pumpkin,

I hope you understand some psychology or Newton's Law , esp the cause and effect.
You had missed out some of the points that made your bf threw himself in rages. Think back if any thing happened before during that time. Remembered as he is still young and may be very possessive, thats why the effect happened.

Younger generation maybe feeling insecure but I also will not approved of physical or mental abuses.

For your case, may be good to have heart to heart talk each other and if necessary bring in a close friend to help, that will sort out the difference and improve the communications.

Lastly if everything fail, then your own person is at risk and better get perosonal protective order and he needs a stronger dose of medicine to wake up.

[pumpkin]

Thanks for all the replies. I understand the consequence of staying and was very firm with my decision of leaving until today.

He came again to pass my stuff and we spent another four hours to sort things out. Previously, we've never let anyone know about our problem. We always quarreled quietly and always act normal with people around. But now, I asked some friends about this and all of them asked me to leave too.

I told him the only way he wanted me to give him one last chance is to call my mom and confess all to her and asked her if she allows her daughter to be still with him after what happened, which he really did. Can see that he is serious about turning to be a better person. He realize all his mistakes and admitted that he was actually abusive and seriously want to change. Can see that he is so xin ku too. He was crying and knelt down there for so long. Surprisingly my mom didn't scold him and tried to justify for his action, like perhaps I made him angry and stuff. some people make mistakes, and there's always regret after that. but of course, she doesn't agree that he use violence in resolving problems.

I told him I might give him chance but he should give me some time to cool down as well. I will see how it goes.

Originally Posted by HCKing

4 yr information, love = respect. so dont buy all his sweet nonsense abt loving u after hitting u as one will never lay a finger on someone he truly loves/respect. think abt it, would u say a guy loves or respect his mother if happens u see him beat up his mother? or would u rather believe in ：“打是疼骂是爱" ?

I understand that sentence very well. Always thought of giving up everytime I feel he disrespects me, but it is always easier said than done. And now, seeing that he is seriously to change for the better for me, I am in dilemma if I have to cling on that hope.

Originally Posted by colins

Go see a doctor, get your eye examined and file a police report. Use the report to file a Personal Protection Order against him. If he harasses you, either emotionally or physically, call the police and they will come take him away. At 27, he is a man, not the kid you always treat him as. Not the little poor boy who can't take care of himself. Not the baby who is like you, so lack of self confidence that he needs to use self abuse to release his emotions. See the truth surrounding him, and dun escape that judgement.

my eye is okay now, thank you. I went to see a couple of doctors and did x-ray check-up to make sure nothing is wrong with my eye. Honestly, I've never thought of reporting to police before, as I am afraid things will get more serious than what it is. Second, I'm not really familiar with Singapore's law. Do we have to pay to report to police and if this physical abuse will actually send him to jail?

[sammyboyfor]

Originally Posted by pumpkin

I told him the only way he wanted me to give him one last chance is to call my mom and confess all to her and asked her if she allows her daughter to be still with him after what happened, which he really did. Can see that he is serious about turning to be a better person.

That means nothing whatsoever. It's just an act. You will regret your decision. Mark my words.

[yitiaolong]

punch your eyes once or two every year....together for 4 years
if you forgive him....then u will become Panda before 30.

girl...let look far.
if both of you form a family, got kids.
he still punch you and kid. can you take it?
if u want divorce....very very troublesome..take long process and paperworks,
and what about the kid?

lastly, love with your situation will not last long.
Even love without your situation will not last long.
Resposibility come in after the love, but seem like your BF no resposibilities at all.

If i was you, i will get a better man

[colins]

Originally Posted by pumpkin

my eye is okay now, thank you. I went to see a couple of doctors and did x-ray check-up to make sure nothing is wrong with my eye. Honestly, I've never thought of reporting to police before, as I am afraid things will get more serious than what it is. Second, I'm not really familiar with Singapore's law. Do we have to pay to report to police and if this physical abuse will actually send him to jail?

Now I know why he abuse you. It is you, always believing in making things easy to accept rather than to confront the truth of the situation. It is easier to accept an abusive partner than to change your life by leaving him. That is you, always finding the easy way out than to take the basic effort to protect yourself.

Getting a medical report is a proof that you were physically abused. That is in itself a valid reason to apply for a Personal Protection Order. Under this order, he cannot come close to you without your specific permission. Even with you permission, you have legal rights to ask him to go away. That means, if he abuse you again or at anytime make you unhappy, all you need is to call the police. They will charge him and very likely send him to the prison. Without the order, he actually need to start hitting you before you can make the police report to charge him with battery (assault also can but best only if you have witness). By then, a lot of things are too late. What's done cannot be undone.

Everybody thinks your situation is serious, except yourself. That is becos you already accepted the fact that you are supposed to be the victim. This rounds up the conclusion that you are the party willing to be beaten up, and he is the party (only waiting) to beat you up. The circle completes.